Say it like you're going to come back
by SwanQueenEndGame
Summary: When he needs the most The doctor always goes to his wife. After all, no one knows him better than River Song.


_**This is my first Doctor Who story.  
River and The Doctor are my absolute otp and I can't imagine one without each other anymore.  
Please feel free to leave some feedback.  
Whovian love.**_

"She's gone River. Clara is gone and there was nothing I could do to help her." his gaze was locked on the stars above them, the million, billion stars in that sky he knew so well.

"She forced me into a promise I'm not sure I can keep. She gave me an order I don't feel strong enough to follow. You know she reminds me of you sometimes, after all there aren't a lot of humans who can give orders to The Doctor." he let out a dry laugh and lay down completely on the grass, his grizzly hair much longer than in their time at Darillium. River could have made a joke about his roots and start a whole argument but he kept talking in his half whispered voice.

"For centuries I knew exactly what my name meant, The Doctor. I knew what it meant the day I took it as mine, I knew what it meant every day of my life. Tonight, however, I'm not quite sure anymore." There were no tears in his eyes but you could hear them in his voice, sense them in his glance, a heartbroken old man, older than ever.

"Look at the stars River, they've been there for millions of years and they will die one day, in a blinding explosion because everything that lives has – sooner or later – to die. I've been the star in blinding explosions so many times and yet – for me – life seems to go on forever. It changes but never stops. For once River, I'm tired of change."

His attention turned to the blue rose in his hand, his fingers gently caressing the silk like petals with an almost impossible devotion, as if there was nothing more precious in all galaxies.

"I did as you told me, I didn't travel alone. Now, Clara is gone and I'm supposed to find someone else again, find another Rose, another Martha, another Donna" he glanced beside him his voice trapped in his throat. "another Amelia".

"All I ever do if find someone so that I'm not alone, but when they leave – in the end my fault I know – I feel more alone then ever.".

The Doctor went silent for a few minutes, like when someone gets lost in time, when one recalls something long forgotten, and it brings a smile to his lips.

"You should have said yes when I asked you to travel with me. Can you imagine?" his smile grew quickly, filling his face, filling both of his hearts. "You and me in the TARDIS. Next stop, anywhere, everywhere. I'd even let you drive, not before a four-years-long argument but I would, eventually."

Suddenly his screwdriver started beeping and he knew he was needed elsewhere, the world was calling, all the worlds were always calling, and even silence sounded deafening to him.

"Another adventure calls" he said getting up and dusting himself off.

He looked back with his best smile "I wish I could ask you to come with me on this one, wife." suddenly the rose in his hand seemed to burn, his voice lost somewhere else, his courage long gone.

"I wish you could lead the way this time, take me by the hand, yell at me, tell me to shut up and run.". There were still no tears in his eyes, he never understood why people tended to give so much importance to tears. You don't measure your pain in tears, not when you've been alive for as long as him, you measure your pain in memories, in words left unspoken - in a blue rose.

"I wish many things now" he bent down and placed the flower on the cold marble stone and stepped back one last time his eyes glancing over the inscription.

He had never been good at saying goodbye but she had taught him that and so much more.

How do you say goodbye to the person you love, to the one who loves you. Once upon a time he would have replied that you don't, but wives know better and when you say goodbye to your wife, well you say it as if you gonna come back, because in the end you always do.

"See you next time Professor River Song."


End file.
